The same elusive dreams, different each time
in the details, but the same longing, same lesson:
I am unlovable in the daylight. I am chasing
after moonbeams. I believe in God. I am willing
to try anything to heal this wound I inflicted
on myself. The great obstacle to loving again
is the sheer number of the dead I carry with me,
half-realized possibilities I might want to work
on at some time in the future; the negative space
there instead, by the time I become interested
in flirting back. One needed me only in privacy,
and would not admit to anyone they loved me.
Another loved me like blueprints for something
better.. Most don't see me in the same way I see
the possibility of an us. I'm not going to mention
the ones where I was responsible for the downfall;
the fire, the flood, the slow-goodbye. Too much
pain there. I already know how to torture myself
for my failures. That doesn't help my message.
Tonight, I will dream I am radio waves pointed
at the night sky, hoping for someone who's able
and willing to receive my signal and, finding it
good, finding their way to where I'm sending,
sending a signal in front of them so I'll know.
Tonight I'll dream of stars closer than they are.